Whispers in the wind

Song of Myself or Whispers in the Wind

Begun May 5 2006

This morning there were whispers in the wind

I dreamed of the many pasts of my life and

Wondered about my justifications for the decisions that I made.

This morning I sit under the overcast May rain and

Wander in and out of literature in hopes

Of finding some Whitman in my soul.

My darkness is still within me

But the tiny round pill

Stands to block access to it

Yet its dread weight summons

Me like a black hole eats the

Light of stars.

I watch the cat wash himself in the sunlight of morning

Methodical and prissy, his movements are so

Much like a woman who stretches out a leg to

Shave, I rub the night’s growth with a sigh

Yorick sleeps in the morning heat

On a quilt made by still yet American hands

And I realize that I love him as a cat

And my sole companion.

In the silence of morning

I choke up the remains of sleep

And wish that I could breathe like I did

When I was younger than the age of my days

Sadness comes creeping up my stairs

And slips into my joints as I struggle to

See the light of another overcast day.

37 years later and what have I learned?

I learned that I could live alone

But always yearn for the elusive love

Dreaming of kisses and brown hair

Touching the small of her back

Sleeping with her at night.

37 years later and what have I learned?

I realized that silence is beholden to emptiness

And that music is my emotions singing

Out my losses and victories

My desires and fears

My regrets and

All the good things about living.

37 things later and what have I learned?

I learned a lot about life

Time begins long and then gets too short

Sickness and pain will dominate

What little joy and happiness that you feel

Unless you find a savior who will release you

From the bindings of human misery

I learned something about God

that we don’t communicate well

that we fail to understand what God wants

that we want rewards and punishments

that we reject the one simple teaching

that I believe to be true of the universe-

that there is nothing that can’t be forgiven-

that God and even us can forgive

and seek forgiveness  we so desire it.

I learned some things about women

All women are beautiful and mysterious

That their willing to lie in order to be kind

That they want to be lied to on the same note

That words are theirs to command and wield

That most still scream in unification at insects and mice

I learned what it is to be a man

That all men really want is passion

That all women want is love

That you can share both but it

Is not the same thing

I know that men pursue for the thrill

But once the hunt is over that nothing

Is left but to find new prey.

I learned that men conquer everything

That we are fire and violence

That when we create it is fury and wildness

That we destroy the same way

That we fail to see the softness

And beauty of creation

And change is not subtle nor is it

Silent as the thief in the night,

Several days later and I have dreamed

Of sleep and warmth

Of cats and cuddling

Of silence and sheep

Of sunlight in the mornings

Of rainfall thundering in the night

Of my mother’s quilt

And my daughter’s future

Several days later and I have planned

To journey to the west

To seek a wife

To find some peace

To learn a new song

To let part of my self die

To let the dream come back

And to sleep and to rest.

Last night, there were whispers in the wind

Change is coming they said those voices

In and around my head- change is coming

I am sure that is what they whispered what they said.

The wind blew a chair up and off my deck

It yowled as it fell to the ground in a wreck

I am sure there was laughter in the night

My doors swung open and all about as that

Gust ran havoc in through the house

I moved everything around in my house

Again today, change is coming I was heard to

Say. The sun beamed brightly through my

Window pane and I thought about why I could now

Live within the rain. My life is not some poem

On an unwritten page, I am 37 and come of age.

II.

Two years later

Two years have come and gone

As I fast approach forty and look back

To what I have so profoundly lost

Am losing and still have yet to lose

But probably not my virginity as some

So crudely would put it

On a mountain high above a historical event

I sit now into the darkness and long to rhyme out

What I would write next to express this day spent

I learned how to sharpen the steel of a chainsaw blade

I watched my father split wood like hairs

I longed again to kiss a woman again almost

Tasting the ruby abandon of years long past

I looked out to the scenic skies framed with clouds

And said strange things to myself most often aloud.

Two years later and tragedy and joy have both visited

Me with death and birth, my life has changed

I have lost more family and the two most influential

People I was ever blessed to know in one thoughtless

Act of petty childish revenge so complete that even

The avenged was wronged by his lack of foresight

Father murder, mother regret, who pays but their children

And all who knew the victims of such a heinous deed?

Two years gone and I have at least bid farewell to some

Of my lesser parts, the petty selfishness and longing greed

To the sum of my greater parts I hope to never see again

To debt that haunted me day in and out

To credit and debit that controlled my every movement

To fear that limited my world

To sadness that darkens the landscape of my memory

III

Four years Later

Words have come, time has gone

my loneliness is palatable but I still eat and drink in its shadow

I sometimes feel rage, sometimes it is just loss

loss for things I have never had like love and laughter 

a kiss like cursive upon this page.

I seldom regret much anymore. I found my god, I found a life

I live in peace, I walk without my former strife

I know great people who know great things

I know some women who can still make my heart sing

I have found music again after years of deafness

I have found art again after years of blindness

I have found truth again and have no need of lying

I have found me again and learned the power of crying.

Maybe one day, there will be no more tears

no more monsters, no more loss, no more fear.

Maybe I can look forward to the sunlight 

and stop dreading the night

Maybe I will find someone to share life with

words with, laughter with, 

Maybe

I live in the light, out under the stars

I find words in more places than I would have thought

I find pages of things I once wrote

I find stories and poems pouring out from my soul.