Some things cannot be forgotten, no matter your intentions, no matter how hard
you try to ignore or pretend that the feelings are gone, the feelings remain.
I woke into a morning that was just two shades brighter than the sadness
that I felt within. Why? I wanted to ask- to scream, why do I feel such
misery when the sky is clear? why do I feel a pain that can't be erased
with a pill, with a drink, with suffocation as if holding the pillow in place
will erase the tracks of the tears that I would have cried if the
persistent state of grief now that I feel that I am alone again as I have
always been. From birth until death, the moments that come with
seconds of joy ever surrounded by the crippling fear that the
love that holds off the darkness will not last long enough for me to
believe, ever to have believed that there would be a state that would not
be filled with regret that I said too little, that I had said too much, that I had
been too honest, that I had not lied enough, that I tried too hard,
that I had left here alone too often.
Some things are only remembered when the failure of what you can
accept becomes a reality that is more than anyone can take or even
want to makeup since you somehow feel that your pain is not valid
enough for anyone else's pity even your own. That life has not dealt
you a fair enough hand; that dramatic irony was meant only for you
as a reminder that you were too blind to see that she was right there
in front of you, that her betrayal of what you thought most important
was not as important as getting in one more I love but exhaustion
overtook you and the sleep that followed promised relief but gave you
nothing but dreams that were not as good as you would have hoped
and you wake to the silence of the empty bed and empty sheets that
strike you all at once as shallow and cliched as knowing that you weren't
the first to feel them...
When does it occur that this is what you had wanted when you turned
away from the light, were the shadows going to welcome you back to
the comfort of despair, did she deserve that lack of trust- did you not
want the happiness that you thought you deserved or was there
something more than then the melancholy that still persists every
time you close your eyes.
I still close mine.
you try to ignore or pretend that the feelings are gone, the feelings remain.
I woke into a morning that was just two shades brighter than the sadness
that I felt within. Why? I wanted to ask- to scream, why do I feel such
misery when the sky is clear? why do I feel a pain that can't be erased
with a pill, with a drink, with suffocation as if holding the pillow in place
will erase the tracks of the tears that I would have cried if the
persistent state of grief now that I feel that I am alone again as I have
always been. From birth until death, the moments that come with
seconds of joy ever surrounded by the crippling fear that the
love that holds off the darkness will not last long enough for me to
believe, ever to have believed that there would be a state that would not
be filled with regret that I said too little, that I had said too much, that I had
been too honest, that I had not lied enough, that I tried too hard,
that I had left here alone too often.
Some things are only remembered when the failure of what you can
accept becomes a reality that is more than anyone can take or even
want to makeup since you somehow feel that your pain is not valid
enough for anyone else's pity even your own. That life has not dealt
you a fair enough hand; that dramatic irony was meant only for you
as a reminder that you were too blind to see that she was right there
in front of you, that her betrayal of what you thought most important
was not as important as getting in one more I love but exhaustion
overtook you and the sleep that followed promised relief but gave you
nothing but dreams that were not as good as you would have hoped
and you wake to the silence of the empty bed and empty sheets that
strike you all at once as shallow and cliched as knowing that you weren't
the first to feel them...
When does it occur that this is what you had wanted when you turned
away from the light, were the shadows going to welcome you back to
the comfort of despair, did she deserve that lack of trust- did you not
want the happiness that you thought you deserved or was there
something more than then the melancholy that still persists every
time you close your eyes.
I still close mine.
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