Tennessee Krud

I got the Krud Blues

I won't be in today

just gonna stay outa the way

let every body know

that I am gonna be a no show

hope I get to feelin' better

as chipper as a irish setter

so staying home for a fews

cuase I gots the Tennessee blues.

All I wanted for Christmas...

All that I wanted was to be able to fall into sweet slumber some sleep
all that I wished for was to drift down deep and dream of sheep.
All that I found was the oppressive bleakness the sky so very gray
that Christmas came tromping by without a heyho or much else
to say.

All that I had hoped for was the love of family and those of friends
all that I got was the well wishing that this season always portends.
All that I received was my own mistaken perceptions of endless guilt
carefully laid brick by brick upon the house that misery has built.

All that I found was a morbid roaming sense of wakeful despair
Not that I really knew what I wanted, not that I should really care.
No snow has fallen on this last and all too silent of holy nights,
so many tears, so many fears, so many ways to sink to new heights.

This is when miracles can happen, when all hope seems lost, 
when the truth comes into the light, when you understand the cost.
If you are willing to face your own demons, admit your weakness, atone
All I wanted for Christmas was to feel less then all alone.

Aftermath

After the war, I went home except there was no house left.
When I asked about it, they shook their heads and said
"Where were you? If you had been here- this wouldn't
have happened."
I smell the ash, the looks of misunderstanding, not that
they would know why I couldn't have stayed nor why
now I know I shouldn't have come back home.
After the war, I went back to walk the roads of my youth
hoping to find something I had thought I lost but only to
find I had abandoned it as surely as I had given up any
hope that the loves and passions that consumed my
childhood would could remain as the winds blew away
what little is left of those memories.
After the war, I returned to what I had only believed that
I had known but discovered instead that I had always been
a stranger among the people who I would have called family
neighbors or friends. I feel the scorn of their collective pain
as I walk away without the answers that I had longed for
from my past.
After the war, just walk away from all that you thought you were
fighting and dying for, the future is not littered with the bodies of
past regret.
There are no winners in war, only the losers who have died,
those that survived, there are no solutions just the resolution
that we probably forgot what all the fighting was for.

Dalliance

A familiar sense of boredom permeates the afternoon laze from sunlight
filtering down through the blinds reaching out with dust moted strands
to tickle at my subconscience. Did I forget what I came in here for or
was there something more? More than whatever I came looking for.
Nonchalance, I pretend to not have dropped into a braindead state of
mindlessness followed by the ghosts of regret, neglect, hardly as
satisfying as anything that substantially sufficient I suspect.

Was I worth the trouble- for all the reasons that made him choose to
become absent from this picture that I hold now close to my heart
or maybe my soul, the echoes of outliving those who fill the spaces
between the furniture and plants, chances of collision coagulating like
my scattered thoughts trying to seperate the memories from the clot
that has become my past torn asunder from the agony that comes from
the silence filling the room, suffering in my self-imposed sense of doom.

Something niggles at the back of my thoughts like a strand of gray hair
turning silver in the breeze that causes a rush through the hall as if to
remind me to stop and then to recall that the feeling of loss drives me
to break from the melancholic daze that pushed me to my beleaguered
feet, now I have returned here in the warm delusions that surround me
with the visions promising the idea that the dreams that were once so
very sweet, like the touch of his hand on my cheek, I am again complete.