Waking Life

This morning as I lay in my bed semi dreaming absolute half fantasies
the web of the world I believe in frayed against the one that is without
and the change in gravity pulling me back to the sunlight and shadows
cast by the curtains that can only hope to block some little particles of
that which separates me from them.

Refusing to face the world without I pull the pillows over my head only
to disturbed the woman I dream of sleeping with in my lonely bed
she stirs and shakes as her reality begins to shrink around her and then
with a groan and the briefest of fingertip touches she slips away with the
last detritus of the night along with the now invisible stars and I am left
sprawled on the sheets in silence.

I live in this my waking life in anticipation of chance meetings that refuse
to occur, hoping and dreading that at any moment the woman that I have
longed my whole existence for will turn in the checkout line and talk to me
and I will stand there praying in fervent rushes that my reply will not drive
away this one chance of her being in this reality and that I will never have
to return to my lonely bed.

Walking into the Light

It went something like this, so read carefully there will be several things
you won't want to miss, the first time I heard it was on a bus and the irony
that hit me rang true with the lyrics I heard coming through my phone- a moment
like an epiphany that kept repeating like that was going to be my ringtone.
and that was when I wondered, not for the first time, if God wasn't one with us.

The next time I remember thinking about it wasn't in a church but rather in
a park in the middle of the night when all the questions one should have should
have been caught up in the dreams that I was avoiding in order to go back to the
moment I spoke my belief out loud and found that being denounced wasn't as bad
as it would seem as if I could no longer play for the team that I had grown up
believing was right, but now I see that I must walk alone out into the light.

Now every time I feel its presence I know that it going to be left up to me to decide
whether I live in fear, eluding the commitment of practicing what I want to believe
since I have nothing and nowhere to hide and why would I want to anyway since
I can walk with him or her or it without judgement or the need for reprieve.
I am going to speak about it, write what i know to be true, I do have to be perfect
I don't have to be right, because now I am walking into the Light.

MidLife Wisdom

Maybe it is a simple as this.
I am what I am
or to say it another way:
I am that I am.
Maybe God or this Being we English call
God had it right all along.
YHWH
I am who created you.
I made you so that you are.
maybe it is not something to be questioned
or analyzed or discussed.
Forget the theories, observations -
just accept the facts as your brain
allows you to understand the inevitability
that you are.
Our science, such as it is, really can't explain
why this mass of complex atoms composites into
a set pattern that then lives, breathes, talks, walks,
falls in love, can hear innumerable sounds, differentiate
tastes and sound and even, in rare cases, think abstractly.
At some point, even the most soic, stalwart scientist
takes off his or her glasses and pinches their collective
noses and admits that they don't know yet and then
they go home and do a thousand other things that
many of them will just accept as surely as the idiotic
understanding that despite all the facts and science in our
world, the sun will rise and set and that days will pass as
our little impossibilities we call life continues in their
relative motions until our bodies - nay our energy patterns
change into something else and our souls sense of
being takes flight and we can join the others who went
before us as we make that transition into the light.
Maybe it is simple as that
We are what we are
and God is what we see him or her or it or
nothing but accepting that we know almost
as much about it all as when YHWH first
spoke out of the light to me.

Piercing the Veil

I stand before this present darkness that separates life from light
it's like looking out into the mists that roll in on the edge of night
a screen of ghosts that drifts in between
a web as silken a thing as what cannot be unseen.

With outstretched hands I long for what was and what could be true
life has been empty in these days since I knew that I had lost you
that I was alone in the now empty rooms
contemplating this my final sense of doom.

Can I anticipate the edge of this veil that blocks my way out of hell
is this solid material or just another fiction fantasy who can really tell
am I really here or is this all in my mind
did I really come ahead, did I leave it all behind?

With my love thrust out I will throw myself against this impassable wall
with my sense of guilt I will not grovel before the challenge, I will not crawl
holding on to the one thing I can truly believe in
I will succeed where I have failed, I will not lose even if I cannot win.

The Promise

I wanted to make you a promise that I would always be there-
kind of crazy to even say, but I think I can manage that
even if I am no longer near.
I wanted to promise more that I could ever be able to deliver-
a grand gesture that showed how I felt about all the love
that you have had to share
I'm sorry but I wanted to have the right words to say
I wanted them to somehow matter to you anyway
I know that the don't meant what I wanted them to be
You just need to know that they really come form me
that it wasn't just this song that reminded me of
my love for you
that all this wasn't another way for me to try to forget
that what little we shared was ever true.
this is how it all came out, not really a whisper
not really a shout, it's what we started and now our
feeling just came out.
I wanted you to know that we are more than just
friends
that I want us to be something more, but it depends
on how you feel about us in the end.
I realize that it is is awkward but I can't think of
the right words to write
how can I bring how I feel into visible sight?
All I can really say- is that if you do really care
then I promise you I will be there.

A Song for Isaac

There were so many things that I should have told you
there were so many truths that should have been true
enough to overcome all the doubts, all of my lies
but I failed to tell them when I first saw you look 
into my eyes.
What am I to do?

There were so many times I should have held you to me
there were so many days that I should have been what I
ought to be
But there were so many buts that if became like never
I would take them all back if I could just be there ever
When will it be time for us?

There wasn't a day that went by when it wasn't rough
there was this one time when I got going -when the 
going got tough.
I should have been there for you, for a day- just one
I should have been there for you, my son.
How can I say sorry enough.

What am I to do?
How can I find the words
that will really prove
that, I did, in fact, love you.
When will it be time for us?
How can i expect you to even trust
any explanation, I have definately
missed that bus.
How can I say sorry enough
how can a child's love be limited
by my own inaction, to be forgiven
that I could show you what I am 
really made of?