Friday, May 30, 2014

PADIM 30: Getting ready to go

7 o' clock in the morning, nothing is packed and I am not getting out of bed
I wish that you would lie there too, like the figment of a thought that I have
about you in my head. All my past regrets couple with all my current failing
by 8:30 am, all my hopes and dreams of what would be should be gone, I will
stand on my deck, cup of coffee sitting on the plank railing, one more goodbye
to the only person I have ever loved even though there wasn't the time for any hellos.
Will I miss you my friend? Will you understand that I both love and loath you?
Will you know?

By 10 am I will be on the long and lonesome road, my car -a stream of memories
going back to the days that surround us like the green shabby hills of Tennessee,
I wish I could still feel you despite the angry words we spoke when you said goodbye
I wish I could take back the resentment I am feeling, well I will give it a try, There
was really nothing I could have said, their was no persuasion that I could have
used instead. I just wanted to make you understand how I felt, I just wanted to
to know that it wasn't ever our fault, that it just was the hand we were dealt.
It's like wanting coffee but only getting tea, will that bring comfort or is that all
we were ever meant to be?

The last time the tears slide down my face is by 2 pm and already I have begun to
slow my pace, there are too many roads that I will have to trace until I can find a
better time, and better place. In the breadth of this moment that we now can share
I want to look back in the mirror but I am afraid of the expressions that I will find there
Was I wrong to want my life to be more than what my parents had for us in store?
It was as rotten as any meddling turns out to be, rotten to the very core
I hope the rain will come and wash away my guilt like bug splatter against the windscreen.
Is that all my hopes and our plans and desires have just been?

7 o'clock in the evening and the moon will be full, have I escaped mother earth's gravity?
Will I escape from her pull that she has so long had upon me,
Is that what I believed that love meant, was it worth the blood and sweat that we
have spent looking for the silver lining to life's simplistic view of a rainbow
will you ever forgive me? Can I forgive myself? Or will the guilt continue to grow?
I wish I could just keep driving these thoughts from my mind, leave my past, and the
present, all that grief just leave it all behind.
Tomorrow will find me further away from the other side of this mirror's illusion
Tomorrow will find me further away from the push and pull of all my confusion
Maybe once I am gone I will finally have something to show
will I find the courage to do all this when I finally get ready to go?

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